Paranoia, Egocentric, Mean Self-talk

Not sure if you knew this or not but I am a very important person. In fact I am so important that you are reading this right now, and you read every single post combing it for mistakes. You also are one of my colleagues or future employers looking for ways to sabotage me, shocked at how risque my language is and that I have a blog where I bitch and get angry. I am so important because I know you think about me all the time, and that I have the power to drastically impact your mood and your day. This might be a stretch in reality, but in my head I am the most powerful, influential person on the earth and it is awful.
I don't know what medicine would call it. People reading this would probably call it narcissism or insanity. I call it uncomfortable and cunning. My therapist calls it perfectionism and codependency. It sucks.
I am always bouncing back between really overly important and grand (way awesomer than you!) and really really worthless. Sometimes I am both at the same time. It creates this internal blitzkrieg of opposing forces that are way to chaotic and random for the small space they occupy.
To top it off what I tell myself is fairly harsh. I am my own drill sergent standing tall and mean over my own scurrying body. "You call that a meal? A five year old could cook that." If I say something to another person and they don't give me the response I expect "Why would you say something like that? That is retarded... no body likes you they are all going to end up gone because you are so awkward. The only friends you keep are the ones that live far away because they don't have to spend so much awkward time with you" The strange thing is, this negative self talk is so subconscious!! (I just misspelled subconscious and had to correct it and drill sergent Marga told me I can't ever spell anything right)... I don't even realize it is happening. It's like the whispering advisor in Lord of the rings to King Theoden (I had to google this I'm not that big of a geek... The visual stuck with me obviously) so cunning, so powerful... how the hell did that guy get power over the king in the first place??? That's what I want to know... the same way I want to know where the self-talk came from and why it has such a grasp on me.

This probably sounds all very strange and even schizophrenic but it's not... We all have a conscience that tells us what to do, mine just has a really cruel twin sister that has developed and taken over. I want her dead. Now how to get there is another story.

Amiable Analytical Driver or Expressive

Greetings to you. If you are seeking advice on your Social Type you have come to the wrong place. Although the beginning portion of this blog will lightly describe the four social designations listed in the title, the remainder of this publication, and in fact most of it, will be dedicated to trashing, bashing, and unwarranted criticism (and maybe even a little stab at corporate America, no need to call me a socialist I don't adhere to that categorization either). If you too, took this lovely assessment of self, maybe enjoyed several days of workshop observing how your type works with others, and you are angry and/or depressed because of it, please read on. Otherwise I ask all of you skippy, functional Drivers, Analblahblah, and Exwhatevers to leave my blog. 

I am Amiable. What the fuck does that mean to me? It means I am a people pleaser. I am a conformist. I am a monkey at a desk trying to help you feel good about yourself. I am a flatterer. I am desperately seeking your approval. I am drivin by relationships. I a doomed to a pay check of less than $60K per year, and to a job wiping men's asses, cleaning up their mistakes and booking their flights. That is what I make of that. 

Maybe I am wrong. Or maybe it is something else bringing out this sense of shame I feel for being Amiable. Perhaps it is my idea of the quiet woman, the subservient girl in the back that doesn't speak up. Maybe I am just facing the truth that I care more about what people think of me than about developing my own likes and opinions. How dead-end. Maybe it is self-sabotage once again crashing my joyous mental party, chucking self-pity gas bombs that are clouding my dreams of success and happiness (I am envisioning the Cool-ade man breaking through the wall with that creepy sociopathic smile). 

Not sure where the solution rests. I am not happy today. In fact miserable is a better adjective for how I feel. I really think it has to do with being a people pleaser. My house of cards has grown really really tall and a strong wind is coming. What do I expect? I don't know who I am right now, I don't know what I like, but I do know there are several things that need to be done- I need a job. I need to continue growing. I need to stay healthy. I need to be a good partner to my fiance and a good daughter, sister, aunt within my family. I need to relax or I'm going to have a breakdown. 

I guess I didn't really explain much about the four Social types, and I didn't really bash and trash this school of thought at all. I know that is not where the solution lies. 

I still don't like being lumped into a category. I am much more complex than that, although I am pushed an pulled by my relationships. Perhaps this is a good thing? Perhaps being moved by people is a good way to be, after all isn't that what life is all about? To be on good terms with our fellows, to serve, to love, to be loved? That's what I hear. Maybe I should look for positions that embellish and encourage strong relationships, nurturing and less assertiveness necessary? Or maybe this is a chance to learn how to stand up for myself.

Ramble ramble ramble. Blah Blah Blah. I have a head ache. This blog was about nothing. I deleted my Facebook today. You are cool. I am strange. No I'm not. Aren't we all? Yes and no. It is relative. My thoughts are not conducive to getting things done. They are conducive to insanity. Peace be with you. And also with you.

<3

Depression - Google is my Therapist

I am depressed again. I hate this. It is so awful because I feel like I will never come out of it. I feel like it is all my fault that I am depressed and that everyone is going to leave me because of it. I don't know why or where this begins but it does and it gets progressively worse. I get angry because of it; anger and depression are best buds. I get afraid too- afraid I will always be emotionally sick and end up alone.  It's kind of a state of panic. I remember when I went to treatment for alcoholism and addiction in 2010 they gave me this huge list of cognitive distortions. Here is an article on it from PsychCentral.com on 15 Common Cognitive Distortions.
My go-to CD (lets abbreviate because I am lethargic) is Catastrophizing. I love to believe that everything is going to hell in a handbasket. (Where did that saying come from? it's hilarious.) Also overgeneralization and black and white thinking are common. "Everyone everywhere for all time doesn't like me, is unfriendly so how will I ever have friends?" Sound so stupid but I do that!  Jumping to conclusions too: "No one at my work thinks I'm funny therefore they must not like me" It is all very crazy and immature but for some reason I do this.
Out of a last ditch attempt at addressing this wretched state of being I always google. A couple nights ago I was feeling like I didn't have a close group of friends and that it's my fault so I googled "How to be a good friend". Results were pretty good actually, in particular this article from RealSimple.com - How To Be a Good Friend. I like the part on making small gestures and not giving advice.
Sometimes I google "What is my purpose" and some religious stuff came up so I gave up that search and just sought volunteer opportunities in my area.
Just now I did a final and winning google search for "Beating Depression without Medication" I was on medication for almost 2 and a half years and have been off for several months now. It has not been easy but clearly these drugs don't cure the problem, they are simply a bandaid, lest I am dependent for life. Once I remember that I am depressed and that it's not something I'm doing wrong I am able to address it better. Sometimes I act like I don't have depression because I want so bad for it to be a thing of the past, so I forget and it takes me days to get back to the proper solution... I just bought 2 books on depressions, one I am most excited about because it sounds very practical and easy called The Depression Cure by Stephen S Ilardi, PhD. It discusses our un-evolved genome but our highly changed society and how we are not getting the basic necessities the hunter-gatherer requires ie sunlight, sleep, exercise, social involvement and important nutrients like Omega 3 Fatty Acids. Very simple concept and very simple solution. I am excited to read it and report a benefit
Love to you and yours if you understand what I'm talking about. It's not easy. In fact it's downright impossible at times. And all of the things that is takes to make it better are the last things we care to do. The positive is that once I realize that it my depression talking to me, and not reality, I can begin to take the steps necessary to get better, even if it's googling the right word and paying 10 bucks for a book online. I already feel a little better. 
And to be an ironic, sarcastic asshole, I have included an over-the-top stock photo of a depressed, hopeless woman in a corner. Because we all sit in corners with a forlorn, detached look of ultimate impending doom when we are depressed, right? :P 

Work for Joy

No one ever told me point blank the being happy takes work. Or shall I rephrase, being joyful takes work, at least for me. To be joyful one cannot lurk on Facebook all day and wait for that millisecond where motivation sparks, hoping that when it occurs I'll actually muster up the will power to do something about it. No, truly joyful people have perpetually moving feet that keep growing more energetic, more vivacious the more hurdles they cross. I am a boulder at a stand-still. Though I might be resting on a cliff's edge, potentially capable of rolling along effortlessly at amazing rates, I have no eyes to see which side is cliff and which is an uphill strain. Joyful people have clear sight, they can see where more road unravels. Joyful people don't get stuck. I feel I am this boulder in a valley or a crevice, walls on all sides. But again I am blind so who knows. (Figuratively speaking duh.)
Can someone come kick my static rock hard ass and get me rolling? I'm getting bored and miserable here. And to top it off, I think I am getting adult-onset asthma, so I'm scared to work out and go in the wilderness where my allergies might flare up. Since when did I become Mort Goldman from Family Guy? Not sure. At least Mort is a Pharmacist and has ready access to inhalers. I have to, say it with me now, MOVE, and get my wanker HMO Primary Care Provider to prescribe me something. He isn't a wanker really, he is just quick to determine which makes me feel like he is overlooking something potentially fatal.
I'm gonna nap.

Call In Sick

Called in sick today to work. And that, that's about it. Don't want to waste your time much, but I'm feeling guilty about it, even though my throat hurts and I can't hardly walk. It must be my dad's work ethic, "You call in sick if your dead." Wanted to express that. I'll be on the couch all day doing nothing.  The worst part about it is that I could be having a really nice day off if it weren't for this overwhelming guilt I feel. What's the damn point? Suffer at work, or suffer differently at home. Next time I'll go to work.

Perfect One

Perfectionism is the dirtiest word of all. For a million reasons. It's the reason I can't get out of bed in the morning without a firm kick in the behind. It's why my preferences for food get smaller and smaller until nothing sounds goods, and I mean nothing. How can I enjoy food if it needs to be gluten-free, vegetarian, high in protein, low in sugar and also be delicious and easy to prepare? Oh thank god, I found something... and oh my god it's a week later and I've eaten it for 2 out of 3 meals everyday and want to gag when I think about it. "Shit out of luck" is the scientific term for this circumstance. "Fuck it and hello mac and cheese" is the primary reversion.
Perfectionism is the reason I quit blogging. "UHG It's just too much to ask to write a mind-blowing societal overhaul each day... I'm just not feeling up to it."We'll duh Hitler-self. My psyche can really be a Joan Crawford at times. And I really do DESPISE wire hangers. I actually can't believe I allow them in my closet. One day at a time, right?
(Now here comes the idealistic poetry, the "shoulds", the "ifs", and then the impossible "hows":) If only I could find the root. Why am I so dissatisfied with my natural state? Why am I so dissatisfied with the state of others? In this world, nothing is as it should be, especially the things I touch. Another piece of crap fact is I know that it is my fault that my perception is so cruddy. I scratch and claw at WHY and HOW when there is no substance to either... WHY doesn't even matter for two reasons: first, WHY is a distraction to how. We can get hung up all day on why and never ask how to make it better. Secondly, why causes us to look back, to regret, to pity self, to remain static. We are sitting and watching our house burn instead of grabbing our children and getting the fack out.
How can be a major downer too, especially if perfectionism is your dirty word. "I know what I need to do, but it's just too much because I know I'll never be able to do it every day perfectly and then I'll be defeated yet again" And the I hear a Winnie the Pooh "Oh Bother." Oh bother is right because I am crazy and need a new brain. I got Abby Someone's... Abbie NORMAL. Young Frankenstein reference. Now that the movie quotes have come out and I forgot the point of this whole thing, I am going to try to get out of my own way by helping another person. That is the simple, constant solution. We have it, we just forget.

It's a shame how empty I feel after being dishonest. And dishonesty can come in many forms. Today it came in the form on acting unlike "myself." To imply that I am not "being myself" would imply that I have a known self, and to imply that would be wrong. There is no self to know here. I have had moments of comfort in my own skin, moments of clarity and peace, when I feel I have arrived to "myself". But it never lasts. Within a matter of months, weeks, I feel like that little alien in a human body, straining to maneuver the limbs and the mouth in a non-obvious, natural-seeming fashion. The problem is, I know all I am is this little green unknowable creature, struggling to feel and connect. Damn you little alien man... why can't you just crawl on out of that wretched body and be yourself for once? (he probably has a little blue alien man living inside his head too... and the peril continues...)

The dishonesty factor is not so much of myself, because of myself, but because of people's reactions to me. I did a presentation today and was slightly abrasive, unabashed and commanding. These traits are a small part of my personality, but a part nonetheless. The trouble is, I was feigning for a positive response from my boss, which he did not give... at least for the snippets I had glanced at him. Truth be told, I don't know how I present best, how I earn the "like-ability" chip that is so important in presenting.  I just need to keep trying... and try I might. Unless I get a job in some other field where I can be a gentle lover of children and kittens and kiss babies all day, making five figures (happy with 40K a year if I can ride my bike to work and do yoga and get to the grocery store.). Then I'd probably take that, never to look back.

Only The Challenge is magical. And every time I surpass the moment of embarrassment, the feeling of rejection or shame, I grow a small amount and I smile at it.