Paranoia, Egocentric, Mean Self-talk

Not sure if you knew this or not but I am a very important person. In fact I am so important that you are reading this right now, and you read every single post combing it for mistakes. You also are one of my colleagues or future employers looking for ways to sabotage me, shocked at how risque my language is and that I have a blog where I bitch and get angry. I am so important because I know you think about me all the time, and that I have the power to drastically impact your mood and your day. This might be a stretch in reality, but in my head I am the most powerful, influential person on the earth and it is awful.
I don't know what medicine would call it. People reading this would probably call it narcissism or insanity. I call it uncomfortable and cunning. My therapist calls it perfectionism and codependency. It sucks.
I am always bouncing back between really overly important and grand (way awesomer than you!) and really really worthless. Sometimes I am both at the same time. It creates this internal blitzkrieg of opposing forces that are way to chaotic and random for the small space they occupy.
To top it off what I tell myself is fairly harsh. I am my own drill sergent standing tall and mean over my own scurrying body. "You call that a meal? A five year old could cook that." If I say something to another person and they don't give me the response I expect "Why would you say something like that? That is retarded... no body likes you they are all going to end up gone because you are so awkward. The only friends you keep are the ones that live far away because they don't have to spend so much awkward time with you" The strange thing is, this negative self talk is so subconscious!! (I just misspelled subconscious and had to correct it and drill sergent Marga told me I can't ever spell anything right)... I don't even realize it is happening. It's like the whispering advisor in Lord of the rings to King Theoden (I had to google this I'm not that big of a geek... The visual stuck with me obviously) so cunning, so powerful... how the hell did that guy get power over the king in the first place??? That's what I want to know... the same way I want to know where the self-talk came from and why it has such a grasp on me.

This probably sounds all very strange and even schizophrenic but it's not... We all have a conscience that tells us what to do, mine just has a really cruel twin sister that has developed and taken over. I want her dead. Now how to get there is another story.

Amiable Analytical Driver or Expressive

Greetings to you. If you are seeking advice on your Social Type you have come to the wrong place. Although the beginning portion of this blog will lightly describe the four social designations listed in the title, the remainder of this publication, and in fact most of it, will be dedicated to trashing, bashing, and unwarranted criticism (and maybe even a little stab at corporate America, no need to call me a socialist I don't adhere to that categorization either). If you too, took this lovely assessment of self, maybe enjoyed several days of workshop observing how your type works with others, and you are angry and/or depressed because of it, please read on. Otherwise I ask all of you skippy, functional Drivers, Analblahblah, and Exwhatevers to leave my blog. 

I am Amiable. What the fuck does that mean to me? It means I am a people pleaser. I am a conformist. I am a monkey at a desk trying to help you feel good about yourself. I am a flatterer. I am desperately seeking your approval. I am drivin by relationships. I a doomed to a pay check of less than $60K per year, and to a job wiping men's asses, cleaning up their mistakes and booking their flights. That is what I make of that. 

Maybe I am wrong. Or maybe it is something else bringing out this sense of shame I feel for being Amiable. Perhaps it is my idea of the quiet woman, the subservient girl in the back that doesn't speak up. Maybe I am just facing the truth that I care more about what people think of me than about developing my own likes and opinions. How dead-end. Maybe it is self-sabotage once again crashing my joyous mental party, chucking self-pity gas bombs that are clouding my dreams of success and happiness (I am envisioning the Cool-ade man breaking through the wall with that creepy sociopathic smile). 

Not sure where the solution rests. I am not happy today. In fact miserable is a better adjective for how I feel. I really think it has to do with being a people pleaser. My house of cards has grown really really tall and a strong wind is coming. What do I expect? I don't know who I am right now, I don't know what I like, but I do know there are several things that need to be done- I need a job. I need to continue growing. I need to stay healthy. I need to be a good partner to my fiance and a good daughter, sister, aunt within my family. I need to relax or I'm going to have a breakdown. 

I guess I didn't really explain much about the four Social types, and I didn't really bash and trash this school of thought at all. I know that is not where the solution lies. 

I still don't like being lumped into a category. I am much more complex than that, although I am pushed an pulled by my relationships. Perhaps this is a good thing? Perhaps being moved by people is a good way to be, after all isn't that what life is all about? To be on good terms with our fellows, to serve, to love, to be loved? That's what I hear. Maybe I should look for positions that embellish and encourage strong relationships, nurturing and less assertiveness necessary? Or maybe this is a chance to learn how to stand up for myself.

Ramble ramble ramble. Blah Blah Blah. I have a head ache. This blog was about nothing. I deleted my Facebook today. You are cool. I am strange. No I'm not. Aren't we all? Yes and no. It is relative. My thoughts are not conducive to getting things done. They are conducive to insanity. Peace be with you. And also with you.

<3