false

It's a shame how empty I feel after being dishonest. And dishonesty can come in many forms. Today it came in the form on acting unlike "myself." To imply that I am not "being myself" would imply that I have a known self, and to imply that would be wrong. There is no self to know here. I have had moments of comfort in my own skin, moments of clarity and peace, when I feel I have arrived to "myself". But it never lasts. Within a matter of months, weeks, I feel like that little alien in a human body, straining to maneuver the limbs and the mouth in a non-obvious, natural-seeming fashion. The problem is, I know all I am is this little green unknowable creature, struggling to feel and connect. Damn you little alien man... why can't you just crawl on out of that wretched body and be yourself for once? (he probably has a little blue alien man living inside his head too... and the peril continues...)

The dishonesty factor is not so much of myself, because of myself, but because of people's reactions to me. I did a presentation today and was slightly abrasive, unabashed and commanding. These traits are a small part of my personality, but a part nonetheless. The trouble is, I was feigning for a positive response from my boss, which he did not give... at least for the snippets I had glanced at him. Truth be told, I don't know how I present best, how I earn the "like-ability" chip that is so important in presenting.  I just need to keep trying... and try I might. Unless I get a job in some other field where I can be a gentle lover of children and kittens and kiss babies all day, making five figures (happy with 40K a year if I can ride my bike to work and do yoga and get to the grocery store.). Then I'd probably take that, never to look back.

Only The Challenge is magical. And every time I surpass the moment of embarrassment, the feeling of rejection or shame, I grow a small amount and I smile at it.